march 2012

every time i close my eyes
it's like a dark paradise
no one compares to you
i'm scared that you
won't be waiting on the other side

i'm about to get real, so... high five for honesty?

today. this day. my heart.

moving back to ontario has been tough. like, real tough. the journey, a year and a half long, is still one that i'm on and to be quite honest, i'm not sure when i'll get to get off, collect my bag(gage), walk through the arrival doors and be somewhere new. it's exhaustingly unfair to be trapped in a cycle that just won't quit...

ache, feel a little better, fall down, repeat.

when i moved, i lost something that i thought i would be able to hold on to forever. it was something that i thought was pure, true, real. something that would rise above everything else and come out the other side swinging just to be kept alive. i was wrong and my heart still hasn't recovered. hopes shattered, dreams evaporated. i guess that's what happens the first time you fall in love so fiercely and plan a future with someone, only to have to say goodbye to three of the best years you both can remember. even if it is "the right thing to do."

as much as i really have tried over the last year and a half, i still hurt, i still long, i still cry. (time of latest infraction: this morning, on my 6:00 AM walk to work.) i've tried so hard to let go because i know that this isn't good for me. i know i deserve more. and if i'm really honest with myself, i know that it's out there. all that to say... often, i feel as if it's reversed, that it's holding on to me and won't let me go. i fight, i kick, i scream and still, i feel the burden holding me here, tight it's vice-like grip. maybe i'm delusional, but it's how these feelings feel. i don't want to feel like this, what i want is to be happy. hell, that was the main driving desire that kickstarted the situation i'm in now; a future so very full of happiness... marriage, a family. but here i am in the future, unhappy and worst of all, down a man i used to call my best friend.

in the beginning i thought: distraction, i need distraction. first, i bought myself things and upgraded my phone, my camera, my computer. next, i tried counselling. summer came and i drowned myself in my work. after that, travel. after after that, "fun" for a couple weeks. even got tattooed for the first (and second) time. i've moved to a new city, splurged on so much live music, made new friends and reunited with old ones, delighted my taste buds frequently and shot endless frames off with each of the cameras in my extensive arsenal. and still... something is missing.

and as if the soul-crushing pain of a loss like this wasn't enough, i still have so many unanswered questions about me and this life i call my own. where am i going? what am i doing? when will things be okay? when will i breathe easy? losing oneself is almost as hard as losing someone else. i'm not the same person i once was... excited, inspired and full of joy no matter the circumstance. spontaneous, adventurous and silly. passionate, confident and focused. i would trade this broken and bitter version of myself for v1.0 any day.

but it's not so simple. (or at least it's not proving to be.)

every time i feel i'm making progress, something else happens and the light that was so faintly shining at the end of my tunnel has gone out because said tunnel has suddenly caved in. more roadblocks, more heartache, more questions... more everything. a "one step forward, two steps back" sort of dance with life, if you will. soon i'm travelling back to winnipeg and i've got to say, i'm scared shitless. my stomach has been in anxious knots for weeks at the possibility of what a random-run-in may do to me. do to this... all of it...

"so we meet again" and i offer my hand
all dry and english slow
and you look at me and i understand
yeah, it's a look i used to know
"three long years and your favourite man
is that any way to say hello?"
and you hold me like you'll never let me go
i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you so much.


if there is any hope to cling to in the midst of all of this [complete & utter shit] is that there is that one step forward. and it matters not how small a step that's taken, but that it's forward, always forward. these simple words, a mantra that's become mine after going under the gun for my third tattoo, a solitary arrow, pointing the direction in which i need to move, propelled by what my first two (deer's antlers) stand for - strength and gracefulness. little reminders are what i need. hope, encouragement, a life raft...

for now, to these things, i cling.
(hoping that maybe one day i won't have to.)

songs for today: